They Got It
Top four club names

1.  Ajax Amsterdam – If nothing else, it’s a test that immediately proves whether or not you know anything about world soccer.  Pronounce the “j” and good luck saving yourself.  Change it to a “y” and we’re happy to hear your theories on the evolution of defensive alignments.  Plus, it’s a freakin mythological suicidal hero, by default beating just about any other club name. 

2.  Arsenal – There’s been enough English odes to how every young boy is fascinated by the club named after weapons, but it would explain why a disproportionate number of Americans including a surprising number of RnO contributors throw in with the North London crowd.  Extra credit for having no city name attached, unless of course you happen to be playing one of those video games that was too cheap to buy the official names and turns Arsenal into London.

3.  Miami Fusion –  One of our English writers once explained at length how “Fusion” was simply a knockoff of “United” and wasn’t very original.  We don’t agree, and this American innovation of classic soccer terminology was the right way to go.  It was even sponsor friendly, though why they opted for a giant green lizard to represent Fusion is anybody’s guess.  And yeah, feel free to insert your own joke here.  It’s a great name, the kind of thing those of us who look forward to a truly American version of the global soccer culture can’t help but miss. 

4.  Juventus – Sure, it’s literal meaning isn’t as impressive as Greco-Roman deities or guns but it satisfies both the learn to pronounce it rule from our first entry and the no city name from our second.  That makes it a great club name, especially since it comes from a country obsessed with adding a word to their city name and calling it a day.  AS indeed. 

They Didn't
Top four worst club names

1.  Dallas Burn – Don’t name your team after pain, especially when it sounds like it was self-inflicted.  We’re not even going to bother trying to explain their knightly mascot, and simply point out that the only people who could possibly make a case for really liking this name are the writers of hackneyed headlines all over the country.  So credit to Dallas for making lazy sportswriter jobs just a little lazier, and I’m sure the letters of apology to your fans and players were sent out long ago. 

2.  Swansea Swans – English magazines love Cyril the Swan because he beats up other mascots.  Whole sections have been devoted to whoever actually occupies Wales’ tribute to American collegiate sports.  After all, that’s where the whole mascot thing comes from and there’s no getting away from the fact that it was American higher education that gave dopey animal mascots to the rest of the world.  And this is what England decided to copy?  To their everlasting credit, as far as we know our friends in Swansea haven’t decided Cyril needs a significant other like a number of sad English clubs. 

3.  San Jose Earthquakes – It was nice of the former Clash to go with a name change that allows us to add an entry from the wonder that was the North American Soccer League, plus it helps establish the no need to name your club after a natural disaster rule.  It’s the sporting equivalent of taunting God.  Chicago Fire fans should pay attention here as well.  For all the praise for avoiding the sponsor approved “Rhythm” as a club name, is playing off human tragedy that much better?  Well to a certain extent yes, because our friends in San Jose made it plural. 

4.  Preston North End – They have a sheep for a mascot in a part of the world where that means more than anyone ever intended.  Sure, it’s a gentle lamb full of religious symbolism, but this is professional soccer.  PNE is England’s historic club, the international soccer museum is part of their stadium, but it still doesn’t help them get past their animal friend. 

These Are Letters

Ashley writes:  Gentlemen I'm shocked at the quality of the magazine.  It really is great, don't let anybody tell you otherwise.  Keep it up.

Jason writes:  Second issue was as good as the first.  You're really covering all the bases.  I can't wait for the next issue. 

Sam writes:  I wanted to write something negative just to be different, but honestly it's too good to risk.  The interviews are some of the best I've read anywhere.  Thank you.

Ed:  Another month of sickeningly positive responses.  Come on, we're adults.  Makes us cry and cower in the corner.  Also, we got what can best be described as treatises on last month's Big Picture but due to space and our respect for your patience, we opted against running them.  Not that we don't enjoy reading pages of responses and we do answer everything we get regardless of whether or not it makes the column. 

In response to last month’s Chris Armas Cover Story, Sean writes:  Chris Armas is proof that we're developing unique players that are as good as anyone in the world.  Who would've thought even a few years ago that an American soccer player would be one of the best defensive midfielders in the game?  Apparently Chris Armas, because he went out and did it. 

Janice writes:  Chris is a great player and a great guy, as your interview showed.  It's great to be a fan of this team with guys like Armas.

JF writes:  I would've loved to see (Claudio) Reyna and Armas in the same midfield in Korea, and I honestly believe Armas could've been the difference against Germany.  It sounds so odd to be talking about semifinals, but they came so close.  Thanks for letting us know what Armas went through.  What a guy.  I can't wait to see him this summer. 

In response to last month’s Life Over There, Jeff writes:  I've always wondered what a Serie A game was really like, and I'm glad MLS is a little more tame.  I almost didn't want to believe the writer got tear gassed, but I guess it goes with the territory.  Amazing work for a US magazine.

In response to last month’s Everywhere They Are, Steve writes:  This is even more proof that MLS should expand to the Pacific Northwest.  Could you imagine a regional team drawing from Portland, Tacoma, and Seattle.   I think it would be a great addition. 

Pat writes:  Thanks for focusing on the fans.  It's great to see them alongside the top American players and it really makes me feel good about what you guys are doing. 

In response to last month’s City Guide, Jason writes:  Dear Lord.  All the way to Miami and you forget what day the game is?  What kind of fan are you?  Seriously, funny stuff.  Much better than yet another match report. 

No Shootouts Allowed

We end this month wondering aloud exactly what we'll see from Major League Soccer's High Definition TV telecasts.  We're hoping it will include ample sideline coverage of coaches going mental.  MLS is blessed with some of the most emotive coaches in the world, and we can't wait for the league to maximize such an obvious asset with a highlight video. 

Next issue is set for May 5th where we’ll bring you the rest of the American soccer supporting world.  See you then, and as always thanks for reading.